I love Christmas! It’s my favourite time of year. But also, since my mom’s passing two years ago, there is an ache in my heart that makes the season sometimes tough to get through. I’ve done a few things the last few years that take this ache and transform it into meaningful ritual and I think it has helped a lot.
I wrote a few weeks ago about the reusable gift bags that I sewed from fabric my mom chose, and they are a very important part of Christmas for me. Even though there are no gifts under the tree from my mom anymore, every gift is wrapped in something she picked out, and that is a comfort.
Another meaningful ritual I practice is on the longest winter night (the December solstice on December 21st), I light a special candle for my mom at sunset and let it burn in a window until I go to bed. I purchased a specific candle for this ritual the first year without her. I look forward to setting it up on a special trivet that a kind neighbor made for me and while it is present among the decorations during the entire holiday season, I only light it on the solstice.
On the evening of the solstice, I let myself feel sad about my mom. I sit in my grief, I watch her funeral slideshow, I have a good cry. It helps to set aside this special time to be with these feelings and then on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I can be more present with the living and what is, instead of feeling sad about what is lost.
Honestly, even if you are lucky enough to never have lost anyone, we all feel complicated emotions and some sadness around the holiday season – maybe about a budget that won’t stretch far enough, a missed opportunity, another year wasted, a chronic illness that prevents us from living the life we want, disappointment in ourselves, in others, in the world…There are lots of reasons why we might feel guilty for celebrating, or a giant elephant in the room that prevents us from feeling the prescribed joy of the season. This ritual, a few days before the holly jolly holidays gives a space for those feelings and for me, acknowledging the darkness of life is key to appreciating the light.
And so, I encourage you, at sunset on the solstice, to light a candle and sit with your grief from the year. Be in it, feel it, acknowledge it, know that it’s okay to feel it. And before you go to bed, blow the candle out and as the smoke dissipates into the air, let it be a symbol of the grief for the year that will also dissipate into the air to make space for the joy of the festivities to come.
This year, my ritual looked a little bit different. I’m not in my home this Christmas season as renovations continue. My family and I are gratefully staying with my in-laws. I won’t be lighting my specific candle I bought for this purpose. But instead, as I find myself surrounded by snow and it is -16C outside, my mom-in-law and I made ice lanterns. Her town is doing a lighting ceremony down by the lake, and so last night I brought my ice lantern and lit it there as part of a town-wide ceremony honouring loved ones no longer with us. What a nice town effort!
We brought it home afterwards and I lit it again in the front yard. Such a beautiful sight.
How to Make An Ice Lantern
If you want to make an ice lantern, all you need is a 5 gallon bucket, some water, and cold weather. Fill the bucket with water and leave it outside for 24 hours (in about -15˙C. Bring the bucket of ice inside after it is frozen for about 15 to 20 minutes to melt it a bit to loosen it from the bucket. Flip the ice out of the bucket and pour out the icy/slushy water in the centre. Since water freezes from the outside in, the centre of the ice should still be liquid after 24 hours. Then, put candles or LED lights in it.
You don’t need a fancy mold, these were so beautiful just in the bucket. But I wondered if I could get different shaped molds to make even fancier ice lanterns. The internet delivered. Disclaimer: I haven’t tried these myself, but they look promising.
May you honour the grief as it comes and give yourself an authentic space to feel sad.
Warmly,
-Heather
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