I’ve recently honored 1700 days sober. It’s been a journey, but it is no longer a difficult one. Drinking alcohol is just not something I do anymore and I no longer really even think about it. If you’d like to read more in detail about this journey, I write about it here on my 1000 days of sobriety post.
Every so often friends ask me how they can help others in the throws of addiction. It’s a very difficult place to be – it is a heartbreaking disease and it is really hard basically impossible to help someone through addiction if they don’t want to help themselves. Please know, you’re not alone. And, as Al-Anon has so graciously taught me: You didn’t cause it; you can’t control it; and you can’t cure it.
Helping a loved one through addiction really means learning to let go and to detach with love. Often it feels like that isn’t enough – and you want to do something concrete to help. Well, then in that case, my gentle wisdom would be to learn about addiction and what it is doing to your loved one’s brain. Read the memoirs of former alcoholics, learn about the dangers of alcohol, look at your own relationship with alcohol and learn to abstain, and read books written for the loved ones of alcoholics.
Learn about addiction not to throw it in the face of your loved one (trust me, it won’t work if they aren’t ready to hear it), but so that you will recognize ways in which you are enabling the disease. Learn about addiction so that one day, should the alcoholic ever have a moment of clarity and perceive the true reality of their situation and reach out for help – you will know what to say and what not to say. And most importantly, you will not beat yourself up should they slip back into old habits. Learn about addiction and recovering from its effects so that you will know how to care for yourself through the special chaos that is loving someone with the disease of addiction.
Here are some books I’ve read and recommend to get you started. I’m going to list them in the order in which I think you should read them…or if you’ve only got it in you to read a few…start with the first three in this list.
Books to Help Loved Ones of Alcoholics
Courage to Change – Al-Anon Family Groups
I know AA isn’t for everyone, and some people really have a hard time getting past the “higher power” part of the group and the ritual-like repetitiveness in meetings – but I truly do ask you to give it another chance. You don’t have to believe in God to go to Al-Anon. You can think of your higher-power as the love and support in your community that strengthens you. I found it very helpful to attend meetings remotely through their app (Al-Anon Family Groups). I also found this Courage to Change book to be full of absolutely life-changing wisdom. Each day of the year there is a different short reading of about a page. It is do-able and bite-sized.
I have the e-book version, which I like because then I can search for specific words like “loss” and it will bring up different passages for reflection.
Understanding and Helping an Addict by Dr. Andrew Proulx
They say that alcohol use disorder is a disease and I never really understood that until I read this book. It really helped me understand what was going on in the addicted brain and why it is so dang difficult to get sober. This book had some really helpful chapters on what to say and what not to say to your loved one with an addiction problem. I wish I had read it much earlier than I did.
This Naked Mind by Annie Grace
If you only read three books – let it be these first three books in this list. Annie Grace’s book does a wonderful job of tearing down the lies we believe that keep us justifying alcohol in our lives.
The Only Life I Could Save by Katherine Ketcham
I really loved this memoir because Katherine Ketcham was an addictions specialist and researcher – and was completely humbled by all that she didn’t know when her son became addicted to drugs. If anyone had a hard time letting go of control, it was Katherine. It made me feel more human and normal, that even an expert found this difficult to cope with.
The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray
This book and the next four are great reads of some journeys to sobriety. It is helpful to read memoirs of people who have successfully battled through their addictions and can write about their experiences. Someday, you may be able to place one of these memoirs (in the quit-lit genre) into your loved-one’s waiting hands and open heart.
We Are the Luckiest by Laura McKowen
Sober Lush by Amanda Eyre Ward and Jardine Libaire
Sunshine Warm Sober by Catherine Gray
I do hope this post gives you some comfort, and a feeling of having some direction in the chaos of dealing with an addiction. May you take these days one day at a time.
-Heather
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Enjoyed this post? Check out some of my other recent posts!
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- Colorful Eclectic Family Room
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