Mothers everywhere know that special type of chaos when their young children are overdone. Call it Cabin-fever, witching-hour, or the full moon – sometimes it seems like NOTHING helps to stop someone from bursting into tears every minute and whining “Brother looked at meeee” or “sister sniffed at meeeee”. This kind of behaviour REALLY sets me off and my bad mood further fuels their bad moods. 

There are many things about parenting that leave me just stupefied and gobsmacked. My daughter says “he called me stupid!” My son says “that’s because she is ruining my game!” Sometimes I don’t even know how to respond other than say “Don’t call her stupid,” and “don’t ruin his game.” So far my success rate for solving these grievances is low.

While I am far from an expert child-whisperer, I thought I’d share a simple framework that often works to reset us when my children are grumpy over-done chickens. I call it the Four Elements.

Earth. Air. Water. Fire. You know, those 4 elements. 

These elements were the Ancient Greek way of understanding our universe and they believed that the world was made up entirely of these 4 elements. This elemental theory also extended to medicine and it was believed that these elements are also reflected in 4 human temperaments and the 4 humors found in the human body (blood, yellow bile, black bile, phlegm). The Ancient Greeks believed that health and wellness required the balance of these temperaments and the humors of the body. 

Of course, we know now that these theories were wrong. I’m of course not suggesting we revert back to 2000 year old medicine when raising our children. But, I have found in my parenting experience, that in moments when my kids are overtired, overstimulated, overdone, and just generally cantankerous – applying the 4 elements to our physical space really helps. 

One thing I try to remember when raising my kids in this modern high-tech and human-made world we live in – we are still human beings and our brains haven’t structurally changed over thousands of years. We haven’t really evolved. We humans still have the same brains as our ancestors thousands of years ago. We have the same brains as our hunting and gathering ancestors and fellow contemporary humans who still live a hunter-gatherer lifestyle. Yes, our brains have learned different things, but they aren’t further *evolved*. We have the same instincts. 

Instinct is a funny thing – sometimes you don’t know why something feels wrong or right unless you tap into that instinct. I take my neighbor’s dog with me when I go running around my downtown Sunnyvale urbanized landscape. One thing I’ve noticed is that the dog will go out of her way to not step on a grate or manhole cover or other construction type thing covering a hole. Even if the cover is flat and wouldn’t seem to be a claw-tangle risk. I wondered why this is – why would a dog jump over a metal cover to a hole? My childhood dog, Canon was the same. He would not walk over a metal cover on the sidewalk. If I think back to her instincts as a dog in the wild, any dog would be wary of something similar to a thin layer of ice covering a body of water. It just feels unsafe. 

As another example, sitting across the table from my child, I can take my hand and crawl my fingers across the table like it’s a tarantula spider skittering towards them. My children jump every time. And then they try to murder my hand. Which I deserve.

Structurally our brains are the same now as they were 2,000 years ago. And so while the Greek’s understanding of the human body was not scientific, at the time *they did think it worked* probably because balancing these humors *did* work to some degree in the same way the placebo effect works.

So here are four things to try next time you and your kids are losing your minds and you are Googling child-free all-inclusive Mexican resorts. 

Earth

Take your shoes and socks off and go put your feet in the grass or the dirt. Feel the earth beneath your feet. Go to the beach (if you live near one) and walk barefoot on the sand. Lay down on the grass and look up at the underneath of a tree. Study the clouds, feeling the hard earth behind your back. I call this “grounding”. I don’t know why, but feeling the earth between my toes or on my back just feels right.

For my Canadian readers who spend half the year under a blanket of snow, might I suggest laying down in the snow in your winter wear to rest and look at the frosty trees and winter sky, the snowflakes floating down towards your face.

Or if it’s -30 and way to effing cold for that, maybe put your hands in a big bag of rice. Or let your kid play with a container full of dried lentils or beans. Stomp some (washed) feet in the lentils, pour the lentils through your fingers, mimicking some of the sensory input the earth gives us and playing with things that grew from the earth.

Air

We live in an ocean of air. We cannot live without it. Of the three things that sustain human life – water, food, and air, going without air will kill us the fastest. Yet despite how critical it is for our health, we have become so accustomed to living inside, we forget how good it feels to take in some deep breaths of fresh outside air.

Of course not all outside air is fresh air or good for us. In California we are often subjected to months with poor air quality from surrounding wildfires. Sometimes it’s healthier to stay indoors with air filtration systems. We all must use our senses, primarily our sense of smell, to assess if the air around us is safe to breathe.

But sometimes we’ve just been inside so long, my nose can’t tell if the house is full of stagnant air. But our moods are in the garbage, I’m short with my kids, my kids are crabby with one another, I’m yawning, feeling sluggish – to me that’s a sign – we need some more oxygen! Air!

So here are some I do to let the air around us improve our overall moods:

• If the air quality outside is okay, I open the windows to your home and get some more oxygen inside. Simple but effective!

• I take out the trash, food scraps, run the dishwasher or washing machine, clean out the fridge. We might not notice bad smells after a while but they are still there and we are still subconsciously smelling them.
• I get us outside for a walk. I feel like water cleans the body but wind cleans the soul. I love the feeling of wind swooping and swirling around me on a walk. Taking my kids around the block or on a longer walk with a stroller or wagon makes a huge difference.
• When my kids are bickering in the car, I try putting all the windows down for a bit and just let the wind wash over us in the car.
• When I was trying to get my son to sleep as a baby, he loved to fall asleep in front of a fan with air blowing on him. It helped a lot to calm him down.

Water 

We humans have been using water to clean and care for our bodies for a long time. And while we haven’t always known of the link between human health and environmental cleanliness, our efforts to understand the science date back to Ancient Greek philosopher Hippocrates himself, when he wrote the book “Airs Waters and Places” in the 4th or 5th century BCE. Ancient Greeks loved to bathe, and Romans famously loved to bathe in luxurious public bathhouses. Yet by the middle ages, people had turned their backs on bathing.

“Then in the Middle Ages, the spread of the plague made people consider more closely their attitude to hygiene and what they might do to modify their own susceptibility to outbreaks. Unfortunately people everywhere came to exactly the wrong conclusion. All the best minds agreed that bathing opened the epidermal pores and encouraged deathly vapors to invade the body. The best policy was to plug the pores with dirt. For the next six hundred years most people didn’t wash, or even get wet, if they could help it – and in consequence they paid an uncomfortable price. Infections became part of everyday life. Boils grew commonplace. Rashes and blotches were routine. Nearly everyone itched nearly all the time. Discomfort was constant, and serious illness was accepted with resignation.” – At Home, Bill Bryson (p. 681).

It truly blows my mind that for long periods of human history, we didn’t think it was good to clean our skin with water.

I’m glad we’ve culturally moved beyond a society-wide phobia of getting wet, and I often use water to reset our moods. While the generations of Middle Agers who never got wet disprove my theory that feeling clean is a human instinct, I still think it’s critical for our mental health in 2023. I don’t know what the mothers in in the year 600 CE were thinking.

My kids get a bath every second day after supper and before bedtime, but you know what? There’s no rule. Throwing them in the bath tub at 2 in the afternoon is allowed. I am allowed to give my kids more than one bath a day. There is no bath police.

And while they are contained in the bath full of warm water and bubbles and toys, I attempt to reset my own mood by practicing a little gratitude.

Did you know that a gallon of water weighs eight pounds? A standard bathtub filled to just below the overflow holds 42 gallons.

Back before modern plumbing and hot water heaters, scullery maids used to have to heat the water in the kitchen and carry 336 pounds worth of hot water upstairs in cans so that one fancy person living in fancy house with scullery maids could have a bath. Even though we now have the technology to pour hot water directly out of the faucet into the tub, much of the world’s population continues to live without this basic luxury.

Oh man am I ever so grateful for modern plumbing. For water treatment. For hot water that just comes out of my taps.

Sometimes there’s no bathtub, or time for a bath. So here are some other indoor ideas of how to use water to reset the mood:

• Fill up the bathroom sink with soapy water and a few bath toys for kids to play in.
• Fill up a mixing bowl with water and send the kids outside (weather permitting) with some plastic measuring cups and buckets to practice their scooping and pouring.

• Drink a glass of cold water. Seriously, this helps me so much. Sometimes all I need is a glass of cold water and I feel so much better. Drinking it through a straw I think is also helpful at calming an over-stimulated sensory system.
• I feel better when I’m clean, so sometimes that just means washing my hands and my feet, or changing my socks. Taking the time to wash hands with soapy warm water and enjoy it, rather than just complete the process as quickly as possible, really helps reset the mood. It helps so much with kids too.

Some days in California, it rains (it is infrequent, but it happens!) Some times it rains for weeks at a time and we can go crazy if we just stay inside avoiding all the rain. There is so much joy in rainy day walks if you’re dressed for it!

One rainy day my grumpy toddler and I went to explore the drains at the tennis courts near our house. He was mesmerized and it ended up being a good day.

If you’re wondering, my son is wearing Crocs rainboots (so lightweight!) in a bigger size with merino wool socks inside (keeps the toes warm even if water gets into boots from puddle splashing), Reima rainpants (very waterproof!), and a Hatley lined jacket (waterproof and warm!). My stroller (Thule Urban Glide 2) has the Thule raincover on it.

Fire

I’m really not sure what it is about fire that calms down over-wrought children. Maybe it’s the beauty of the flame, maybe it’s the heat, maybe it’s the power and the danger of an open flame. But it works.

We humans have been using fire for about 200,000 years. Gathering together around an open flame to cook, or tell stories at night is an intimate part of human social connection. Not just for cooking food, or providing us light in darkness, we use fire for reverent moments and to facilitate social connection.

• We light candles on a cake to celebrate someone’s continued existence on earth (Happy Birthday!)
• We light candles to honor the dead, like altar candles lit on Day of the Dead. Or last year on the winter solstice (the longest night of the year, December 21st), I lit a candle to remember and grieve my mom’s passing before all the joy and merriment of Christmas celebrations began.

• We gather around a lit Christmas tree to celebrate family, community and love.
• We gathering with friends and family around a campfire to sing songs and share stories. When I was 17, my friends and I would gather around firepits in backyards or parks to just hang out, have a fire, and connect with one another. These are some of my fondest memories of my childhood. There’s something about the way a campfire lights up our loved ones’ faces that speaks to sharing and vulnerability.

Now, not everyone can have a campfire on a bad mood day, especially in California. But there are other things we can do to inspire our connection to others and appease our minds with reverence.

• Light some candles. These could be home decor candles, or maybe tapers in candle holders on the table with a meal. I light candles during our Friday morning tea time. I also make a point to have candle-lit dinners whenever my husband is out of town and it’s just me and the kids at witching hour.
• Dim the bright human-made lights and get some cozier atmosphere going. Did you know that these days you can buy all sorts of colour temperatures for lightbulbs? Even if you don’t have a dimmer, you can change our your bright white lights for a more orange/firelight like glow.
• Go sit in a sunny spot and let the sun’s warmth warm your skin.
• Make a point to light candles in honor of something – a birthday, a death, an important gathering.
• Include lighting rituals in your yearly rhythm – light altar candles on Day of the Dead, light candles on the winter solstice to acknowledge the darkness in us all and remember those we have lost, attend a local Christmas tree lighting ceremony, or make your own ceremony at home turning on (or off) lights during a holiday season that your family celebrates.

So there you have it, my four elements parenting secret.

When you’re feeling the cabin fever coming on, say to yourself, Earth, Air, Water, Fire. What can I do to bring any of these elements into my life right now?

Have you seen these four elements work in mysterious ways in your life too? Do you have any ideas for how to earth, air, water, fire in the long afternoons? I’d love to hear your ideas!

-Heather

I’d like to write about how I plan for our homeschool week, but every time I try to start it just feels like it’s far too much to explain because behind the simple structure I have designed to make it easy for me to know what we are doing daily and weekly – there is a lot. I get bogged down feeling like I need to start at the beginning, because really that’s where the planning starts – at the philosophy underlying everything we do, but it would be the length of a book to start there.

And who has time to read that?

So in an effort to just share a bit more about how we homeschool, I’m just going to write about what I do on Sunday afternoons.

I have a master spreadsheet that I call my “forecast”. The forecast, like the weather, can change depending on what we’ve got going on, but generally it tells us what lies ahead.

I created this spreadsheet by first putting the weeks of a “term” in columns along the top. The number of weeks in a term is somewhere between 7-12, depending on when breaks fall. Changing terms every 12 weeks also makes for a more manageable sized spreadsheet.

In the rows are the subjects we cover in a week of homeschooling. There is a lot that goes into the why and what and how of these subjects. To explain that would be an entire book chapter, at least, and Charlotte Mason wrote 6 volumes on the subject, so I’m not going to attempt that in this blog post and just leave it there. Though one important thing to note is that each subject takes only about ten to twenty minutes per day that it is scheduled. Overall, each of our school days is about 2.5 hours of concentrated “work”.

Under each subject are the days of the week that we do that subject. I schedule one portion of one book per subject per day. Or, for purchased curriculums, like Right Start Math, I schedule one lesson per day. Some subjects we do every day (math, writing, reading, drawing) while others are once or twice per week.

For example, on Mondays when we study Geography, we read one chapter or lesson from the book Living Geography (about 3 pages) and we read one word entry in our Geography A to Z dictionary. It’s not a lot of content.

A key part of the our day’s work is the kids narrating back to me in their own words what we just read about. So after we read our pages from our geography books, we talk about places we’ve been that reflect what we’ve just read, we look at our globe, we look at maps, we go for walks around the neighbourhood, we draw our own maps.

Then on Wednesdays when we cover geography again, we read one chapter from the book Jenny Goes to Sea by Esther Averill, a book about a cat that sails around the world as a ship’s cat (a working cat charged with keeping the mice and rats out of the ship’s cargo).

On Fridays we go for a nature walk and geography naturally again comes up again as we walk and explore different landscapes, often pulling together things we read earlier in the week into real-life wanderings. Charlotte Mason called this the Science of Relations – when learners bring together different things they’ve learned and apply it to new contexts.

But I’m getting lost again in the details. So back to the point of this post – once a week, on Sunday afternoons, I sit down with this spreadsheet that I have printed off (I like working off paper) and I fill in the blanks of the Skeleton Schedule I created for our week. Every week I print off a blank Skeleton Schedule and fill it in with the chapters or lessons we will be doing that day. Because of the master schedule It takes about 10 minutes to fill these papers in and I’m ready to go for another week.

Every morning (or night before if I really have my shit together) I gather the books off the shelf that we will be using for the next day. I keep all our schoolbooks and school materials on a shelf in the dining room where we do our school work at the dining room table.

Other daily school materials like notebooks, every day school supplies, I keep in a basket in the room as well. But how I organize all the stuff that comes with homeschooling preschool and grade 1, is a blog post for another day.

How do you organize for your week ahead?

Instead of New Year’s Resolutions, I am seeing many people online choose a word to focus on for their year ahead; Words like joy, freedom, vitality, strength, and truth.

I have also been doing this for the last few years, but of course the end of the year comes and I don’t even recognize the word I chose for the year because life derails my aspirations. Even when I decide not to set specific resolutions but rather an intentional word for the year – the universe says “nice try” and I find myself reflecting back on the year and seeing it had an entirely different theme to what I anticipated.

I don’t know about you, but so far for me, the decade of the 2020s has sucked. 

2020 started off great and I had the best of intentions to cultivate more “adventure” in my life, only to reflect back on 2020 and find that the theme of the year was “home”. 

In 2021 my word for the year was “health” and while I did get my own health back on track that year, the idea of “health” took a complete u-turn as my mom suffered a rare CVST stroke in October of 2021. All of a sudden I had to be confronted with the reality that sometimes, despite our best efforts to take care of our health – shit just happens. The word for 2021 ended up being “unpredictable”.

I entered 2022 as a ball of anxiety and worry. I chose “peace” for my word, but my year was anything but peaceful. My mom’s health continued to decline and she was hospitalized several times. Looking back at my Resting Heart Rate from my Apple watch data, I bet you can tell when.

Devastatingly we had to pull her from life support at the end of August after near-constant seizure activity in the scar tissue of her stroke made a life-worth-living an impossibility. My word for 2022 ended up being “anguish”.

To be honest, I’m not super optimistic heading into 2023. The world seems to be heading towards a financial crunch and lately it seems my kids bring home a different virus every week. So I’ve been considering my word for 2023 very carefully. In previous years my intentional words were all nouns; all changeable and redefine-able by the other words around it in a sentence. I had a boring adventure. It was a year of haphazard health. My mom now rests in peace. My intentions in this decade have all been words easily derailed by forces beyond my control. 

So this year I’m choosing a verb. Something I do. Something I do slowly, or beautifully, or happily, or gratefully, or angrily, or tearfully. But still, a verb is something I do and I control. This year my verb is “create”.

I consume a lot. I eat. I read. I watch. I buy. But I don’t create nearly as much. My consumption is passive and procrastinatory. My consumption is usually not even that good for me; I drink too much caffeine, I eat too much sugar, I buy junk from Amazon to fill a right-now need, I re-watch the same things on tv. I consume to avoid the more difficult task of creating. I don’t write very often any more. I often feel like I need to read another book on the subject before I could possibly write about it with any informed opinion. But really, five books on the subject is *probably* enough for a blog post. I get takeout or eat chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs as often as I cook. I buy things that I could make. It’s just easier to consume. It’s safer to consume. It’s more comfortable to consume. But creating fills me with more of a sense of self-worth and purpose, which, I am told (from all my reading on the subject), are two cornerstones of happiness.

Creating takes more time, so the next thing to do, now that I’ve decided on my “verb”, is carve out time in my weekly rhythm to “create”. Some of the ‘consuming’ time will have to go out the window, along with those intentional nouns. Can I set aside one evening a week to write instead of read or watch TV?

What about you? Do you choose a word to focus your year ahead? Reflecting back, how have your intentional words panned out over the year? Would you like to try a verb-year with me? What is your verb?

I just finished reading  “Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World” by Vivek H. Murthy, who is the current Surgeon General of the United States. It was a fascinating read, made even more interesting knowing that it went to press just as the pandemic started – so Dr. Murthy wrote about the medical impacts of loneliness before the world had to isolate from loved ones for months at a time. The research and the advice in this book are even more salient these days – two years into a pandemic where humanity’s social fabric has been shredded.

There is a lot worth discussing in this book, but one part that really sat with me and challenged my thinking is the following passage.

“The Paradox of Loneliness”

“If Loneliness is so bad for our health, it would make sense that we would do everything in our power to connect with other people at the first sign of social isolation. Often, that’s just what does happen. When the biological process works as designed, the anxiety we feel in the first flush of loneliness will motivate us to find “our people”: We’ll go home to Mom. Or hug our spouse. We’ll help a neighbor or call an old friend. If we’re able to find and connect with people we trust, and if they’re responsive and genuinely understanding, the loneliness will subside and our stress state will recede. This is how most of us get through situational loneliness, such as the lost feeling that can descend when we move to a new town or start a new school or job.

But it’s not always easy to find or make those connections. When we become chronically lonely, most of us are inclined to withdraw, whether we mean to or not. John Cacioppo [professor of social psychology at the University of Chicago] determined that our threat perception changes when we’re lonely, so we push people away and see risk and threat in benign social opportunities. John’s widow, Dr. Stephanie Cacioppo, a neuroscientist who was his close collaborator and has taken on the role of continuing and expanding his work on loneliness at the University of Chicago, found that lonely brains detect social threats twice as fast as non-lonely brains. This may seem like a paradoxical response to a mechanism that evolution designed to prevent isolation, but from an evolutionary standpoint it makes sense.

When our ancestors were separated from the safety of the group, they needed to react defensively even to marginal threats, since they might well turn out to be lethal. But in modern life that same hypervigilance causes us to misread harmless or even welcoming people and situations as threats. Fleeing into self-preservation mode, we’ll avoid people and distrust even those who reach out to help us. With prolonged loneliness, we’ll decline invitations and stop answering the phone.

Hypervigilance also creates an intense preoccupation with our own needs and security, which can appear to others as self-involvement. These two elements – the threat perception shift and the increased focus on self – are key parts of the hypervigilance story that makes it difficult to engage with others when we’re lonely.

Then the reactions begin. Those who’d like to help start running away, leaving us feeling even more alone. Before long we’re trapped in a vicious cycle of suspicion, jealousy, and resentment. Loneliness thus fuels more loneliness until the fracture leads to severe alienation. Clearly, the solution is more complicated than telling someone who’s lonely to go to a party or “just be with people”. (emphasis mine)

As I digested this passage, I thought of the time earlier on in the pandemic – when we were all sheltering-in-place here in Santa Clara County for most of 2020. We were not allowed to see anyone outside of our immediate home unit. We were not allowed to drive outside of our county lines. Only essential businesses were open. At first the posts on my Facebook were encouraging – people coming together and saying we can flatten the curve if we all stay home. But gradually, as the loneliness settled into our brains, we became more antagonistic with one another. In our county at least, lines were drawn – if you wore a mask, you were a good person. If you didn’t wear a mask (or you didn’t wear it properly) you were the problem and the reason people were dying from covid (even if you didn’t have covid and therefore couldn’t possibly pass it on). 

This period of time was pretty distressing to me because my four-year-old son would absolutely not wear a mask. I had many friends and other parents online tell me it was my parenting – I wasn’t modeling wearing a mask, I wasn’t choosing the right kind of mask, I wasn’t doing some magic parenting trick to get him to wear a mask. Because my son wouldn’t wear a mask, I had several friends who would not spend time with us even outdoors. We were not welcome at places like the fully-outdoor San Francisco zoo or our neighborhood playgrounds. We were told that my son was not welcome to pick up halloween candy from the end of a driveway if he wasn’t wearing a mask. A security guard came up to him in the outdoor library plaza and told him to put on a mask or we couldn’t pick up our books. We were told at a shoe store that we couldn’t buy shoes from them if he didn’t put a mask on.

I felt stared at and judged everywhere we went. My son began to internalize his struggles and his self-esteem plummeted as he became more socially excluded. Finally, I asked his pediatrician for an exemption letter and he wrote us one immediately. The psychological and social harm of long-term isolation and exclusion were costing us much more than the mask was possibly protecting us and others from covid-19. As we were able to socialize more, his hypervigilant state calmed down and he began wearing a mask.

Of course, all of this I experienced through my own lonely-brain lens. I was defensive and I pulled away from people who I perceived to be a social threat to us – I’ll call them “the mask police.” Even friends who were clear with me that they understood my son’s struggles and it was okay – I still perceived them as a social threat and I pulled away. It’s like I couldn’t get my brain to stop. I had a hard time trusting others and I felt bitter. 

Meanwhile, the “mask police” were themselves also functioning in a “lonely brain state”. They saw my unmasked son as a threat to their safety and in response, they pulled away from me. To repeat Dr. Murthy’s quote above, “hypervigilance causes us to misread harmless or even welcoming people and situations as threats…Hypervigilance also creates an intense preoccupation with our own needs and security, which can appear to others as self-involvement”. We were all in our own states of hypervigilance – and we saw different things as threats to our health and safety. The more isolated and lonely we became, the more likely we were to jump to conclusions about someone and stick them in a box we labeled “bad people”. 

This hypervigilance came up again when the vaccines came out. Our lonely brains saw unvaccinated folks as threats to our well-being, even when we were fully-vaccinated against the virus and thus, unlikely to die or even experience hospitalization. Rather than lovingly talking to our loved-ones about how worried we were about their health, our hypervigilant brains blamed them for our continued isolation and saw them as a threat to our survival, even once we had antibodies to the virus we feared. I regret many conversations I had with loved ones during this time as I tried (without success, I might add) to convince them of the benefits of vaccines by speaking unkindly and threatening to socially ostracize them. To anyone I hurt with unkind remarks or social pressure, I am truly sorry. Now that my brain is less lonely and I no longer feel like I am in a state of hypervigilance, I see your humanity. Being in a state of hypervigilance doesn’t excuse anyone’s bad behaviour, but at least I can now understand why my brain seemed to be so angry with people whom my heart loved.

Online social networks like Facebook did not help with the lonely-brain at all. Maybe Facebook made us feel more socially connected, but it was a facade. It was more of a social distraction than quality social time with others. It was also a great place for people to vent their frustrations about anti-maskers or anti-vaxxers out into the void without really considering the human face and individual struggles and stories behind people’s choices. My lonely-brain became even more lonely reading Facebook posts in the Sunnyvale Moms Group about how kids who aren’t masked should have to leave the playground. I was in a psychological tail-spin.

So what is the antidote to the lonely-brain phenomenon? Connection. Face to face connection. Conversation.

Something changed for me when I started using the app Marco Polo to connect with a few close girlfriends every day. Marco Polo allows you to send a private video message to friends. It’s like leaving a voicemail on someone’s phone, but it is a video. The only people who can see the video are the ones you sent it to. I could send videos sharing my life and my thoughts to one friend, or to a group chat of a few friends. As moms with busy schedules, it is hard to find time to connect with other moms on Facetime or in person – but Marco Polo helped us see into each others’ lives when we had to be apart. In time, my lonely brain felt better and even though it wasn’t in person or live, it was still better than text or the impersonal void of a Facebook newsfeed.

This past year, I’ve been trying to get my family back “out there” and to engage in community again. I believe it is vitally important to our mental and physical health. I started volunteering at the Sunnyvale Heritage Park Museum, I started attending Sunnyvale Presbyterian Church, I signed my kids up for gymnastics, music class and boy scouts. We started having neighbourhood kids over to play at our house. My husband returned to work at the office. I started asking friends to go for early Saturday morning hikes with me. I gathered a group of moms together to celebrate our strength through this pandemic. All of these activities helped heal my lonely brain. 

Though I will also admit, that one thing that surprised me, is how exhausting it was. Even though I believe socializing with others is vital to my mental health, I found myself unexpectedly wiped out by many of my social interactions. 

I’ve heard from many others who say the same thing – before the pandemic they loved to socialize, they loved to host, to attend events. And while they still feel drawn to try these things again, the very activities that used to energize them now leave them feeling depleted. 

What is up with that?

Could it be that we were all just closet introverts with highly trained extroversion muscles that have gotten weak over the last two years of the pandemic? Is socializing a muscle that can atrophy over time? Or could it be that we are all very empathetic people and we can easily feel the emotions of those around us? With everyone so tense in these gatherings (for a variety of reasons), perhaps we take on that tension and just feel exhausted at the end of it all?

I’m thinking it’s perhaps a combination of the two. I do feel the energy in a room as palpable as I can feel the carpet underneath my feet. Being around tense, nervous, anxious, and upset people leaves me feeling the same way. I also think perhaps all the efforts that come with socializing are muscular – and these muscles get stronger the more you socialize. My social muscles needed for groups larger than three people are weak and just like any other muscle, need to be exercised little by little.

What do you think? Can you look back at parts of your pandemic experience and say, “yes, I think I was pretty lonely then and maybe that’s why I said those hurtful things”? Is it easier to comprehend the dissension and friction in society these days when we look at it through a lens of loneliness? Can we forgive those who have hurt us these last few years by recognizing that they were an isolated, lonely human and in a state of hypervigilance? Can we see that their brains had been hijacked by an instinctive drive for survival? Something for us all to consider as we try to move forward beyond the pandemic.

Today I am 6 months alcohol-free. I started cutting back last January as part of a weight-loss goal, but I noticed as I cut back, that the nights that I didn’t have any wine, I slept better. I also felt less anxious the next day. I realized that I had been self-medicating with wine to help calm my anxieties, but in fact, it was making it worse.

At first, cutting back was really hard. Like embarrassingly hard. (2020 was rough y’all and I maybe relied on the wine a bit more than I should have….) I realized that a trigger for me for pouring a glass of wine was coming down the stairs after my kids were tucked into bed. So I stopped coming down the stairs after I tucked them in. I bought a kettle and some chamomile tea and I put it with a mug in my bathroom. Instead of coming down the stairs, pouring a large glass of wine and flopping on the couch to watch tv, I stayed upstairs in my bedroom. I drank sleepytime tea and I read. I cut back drinking gradually – drinking less each week than I had the week before, eventually going several weeks between glasses of wine. And then June 28, 2021 I decided to go a full year without alcohol, just to see how I’d feel. So far, it has been life changing for me. I‘ve never felt healthier or stronger. I don’t know that I’ll ever go back.

I used to say, I’ve had a hard day, I deserve a glass of wine.

Now I say, I’ve had a hard day, I deserve a good night’s sleep and to not feel anxious tomorrow.

Anyways, I share this as hopefully an encouragement for anyone trying to kick any bad habit, but also to explain why I’ve shied away from evening gatherings where there would be an expectation of alcohol. I am finally feeling like I’m getting to a place where I can go out with friends and have a club soda and not feel like a loser or worse, feeling like I’m making other people uncomfortable by not drinking. 6 months in, my mind doesn’t really default to or crave wine very often anymore; but it is funny how old neuro pathways can spring up on you – a couple of months ago, I went through airport security and before my mind thought about finding my gate, it thought about finding the bar.

More than anyone, I need to thank my husband for quiety supporting me on this journey this year. Keeping our home dry, and being my cheerleader in his no-pressure no-big-deal-if-you-fail way.

Below is a picture of the books I read in 2021, while I stayed upstairs and drank tea. I recommend them all, but my favourites were: Secondhand, The TeaGirl of Hummingbird Lane, The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober, and Longitude.

❤️ -Heather