It is normal to feel sad, angry, happy, disappointed, joyful, and frustrated. Everyone feels this way at times. Detachment is when you feel your feelings, but you do not let them control your actions.
Detachment means you can feel anger, but you don’t hit or kick someone. It means you can feel excited, but you still sit down and focus on your math homework. It means you can feel sad about something, but you don’t try to make other people feel sad around you.
Detachment doesn’t mean we stuff our feelings away in a box and we don’t let ourselves feel our feelings – it means that we don’t let our feelings control us. It’s a bit like watching our feelings on television instead of acting on them when we don’t want to.
I think we’ve gotten particularly bad at practicing detachment in the digital age. Maybe it’s because of our constant connectivity and an inability to even physically disconnect from our phones that has bled into being unable to detach from our emotions. Maybe it’s the click-bait way the media spins our emotions into an irresistible desire to engage. Maybe our phone addictions are affecting our brains’ emotional response centers in ways we don’t even understand yet. Maybe it’s because it’s been an election year. But overall, I would say we are not doing great at detachment.
When I read about people in the past, who lost babies in toddlerhood to disease, who worked 6 days per week, who fought in wars, who dealt with chronic illnesses – it seems that they were just made of tougher stuff than we are today. How did they not fall apart? How did they not burn out? How were they not overwhelmed with anxiety? Maybe they were but had different words for it (nervous breakdown, fits, shell shock). We know a lot more about mental health today and there is far less stigma surrounding it, which is wonderful and I know has saved many lives. Yet at the same time, anxiety for youth is at sky-high levels and part of me wonders – are we feeling our feelings but also letting them control us? Is detachment a muscle we can strengthen? Can we practice detachment and improve the anxiety epidemic? Any of my therapist-trained friends want to weigh in on this?
Reading living books featuring different virtues each week with my kids is a project inspired by the Family Virtues Guide by Linda Kavelin Popov, Dan Popov, and John Kavelin. In their research, they identified 56 different virtues common across major religions and in many cultures around the world.
At first I was confused by the inclusion of detachment as a virtue. Surely it isn’t a virtue to ignore your feelings, I thought. But detachment is not avoidance – it still means you feel the feelings – but you just don’t let them control you in a negative and harmful way.
When my mom passed away, the words that echoed the loudest in my head is something she used to say to me as a teen: “You can’t let your period slow you down”. You can’t let something natural and expected ruin your life. I could hear my mom clearly telling me – everyone loses their mother at some point if they are lucky enough to outlive her. That is what is natural. You can’t let losing your mother ruin your life.
My mom died 4 days into our first year of homeschooling. Talk about starting out on a rough terrain! I have felt incredibly sad in the two years since my mom’s passing but I’ve also not let it get in the way of home educating my children. On days that I felt particularly sad, I’d buy myself some flowers, light candles, listen to some sad music, let myself miss my mom – and teach math. You can’t let your period slow you down, after all.
“I cry a lot but I am so productive, it’s an art.” – Taylor Swift, I Can Do It With a Broken Heart
Below are some books featuring characters who don’t let their emotions take over their actions. Characters who practice detachment and restraint. I hope you find these kids as inspiring as I do!
Big Sarah’s Little Boots by Paulette Bourgeois
Sarah keeps growing and her favourite boots don’t grow with her. Sarah feels sad but learns to accept new, bigger, boots.
Blueberries for Sal by Robert McCloskey
I’m just going to admit something right now – If a baby bear was following me on the side of a hill and I couldn’t find my child, I would not calmly say, “Oh where oh where is my child?” I would probably be freaking the eff out. That being said, when I have found myself in a potentially dangerous situation with my kids – there is something calm, cool, and collected about the mothering instinct that kicks in. One time, an unhoused lady with likely mental health issues confronted me and my daughter when we were on a morning walk. She was shouting at us, threatening us, and calling me a bad mother because we walked too close to her car when trying to get onto a pedestrian path she had blocked. Anyways, often when I am in conflict with others – I get super nervous, shaky, and extremely anxious. I can’t think clearly, I stumble over my words, I can’t get my point across. But in that moment where it actually mattered that I did not escalate the conversation with this woman, I stayed calm, friendly, and upbeat. Detachment is a virtue, yes – but I also think for many mothers it is an instinct in a threatening situation with their kids. So maybe I would be like Sal’s mom when my kid disappeared with bears nearby….
Alfie Gets in First by Shirley Hughes
Alfie accidentally locks his mom and baby sister outside and can’t open the door to let them back in! But Alfie doesn’t let his fear and frustration control him. He calmly goes to get a stool so he can reach the doorknob.
Sadie and the Snowman by Allen Morgan
Sadie is sad that her snowman keeps melting but does she give up and scream that she hates the spring melt? No! She makes a smaller and smaller snowman until she freezes the last of the snowman for next year.
Zen Shorts by Jon J. Muth
We love Stillwater! The show on Apple TV+ is lovely, and we love the books too. In this story, Stillwater the Panda tells Addy, Michael and Karl three stories about life. One of the stories is called The Heavy Load, and it is about not carrying around our negative emotions with us into the future. It’s a really nice story.
What do you think about detachment? Is it a virtue to cultivate?
Warmly,
-Heather
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Enjoyed this post? Check out some of my other recent posts!
- Making Homeschooling Work During Home Remodeling
- Why Halloween is Important for Kids
- Kids Books about Trustworthiness
- Having a Pet Hamster for Families
- Kids Books About Compassion
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