Kids Books About Assertiveness

One question that I have about parenting – is how do kids learn virtues?

In the past, we might have described someone as a “man/woman of good character”, but these days, we are more likely to talk about this same person’s achievements. Our strengths and weaknesses are often described as “an attention to detail” or “workaholic tendencies” – related to our production, rather than descriptions of our moral fiber. Is it possible to live a secular life with character? Or is character built through worship to something of a higher order? It seemed that in our pre-modern age, a life inside a religious tradition naturally inculcated certain virtues. But in 2024, with what seems to be the majority of children being raised outside of a religious tradition – how are virtues taught?

We are very good at teaching academics, or tasks that can be added to our resumés. But how do we make sure our children are learning detachment, mercy, and honor? Are they only learned through example and real-life experiences? Does it matter if children know what a virtue is in order to apply it in the way they conduct themselves?

I’ve read several different books on the subject over the years, and one thing that I’ve settled upon and believe is true – is children learn some of the virtues not only through real-life living but also through story.

For all of humanity, we have been telling stories – first passing them down orally and then later writing them down too. We have been using stories to guide our senses of right and wrong. 

Kirkpatrick and Wolfe, authors of Books that Build Character, write, “When we see others from the inside, as we do in stories, when we live with them, and hurt with them, and hope with them, we learn a new respect for people. This was understood by our ancestors. Stories, histories, and myths played an essential role in character education in the past. The Greeks learned about right and wrong from the example of Ulysses and Penelope, and a host of other characters. The Romans learned about virtue and vice from Plutarch’s Lives. Jews and Christians learned from Bible stories or stories about the lives of prophets, saints, missionaries, and martyrs.”Kirkpatrick and Wolfe, Books that Build Character, p. 19)

Kirkpatrick and Wolfe continue, 

“First, stories can create an emotional attachment to goodness, a desire to do the right thing. Second, because stories provide a wealth of good examples – the kind of examples that are often missing from a child’s day-to-day environment. Third, because stories familiarize youngsters with the codes of conduct they need to know. Finally, because stories help to make sense out of life, help us cast our own lives as stories. And unless this sense of meaning is acquired at an early age and reinforced as we grow older, there simply is no moral growth” Kirkpatrick and Wolfe, Books that Build Character, p 19

As a homeschool mom, I am not immune from despairing that despite my best efforts I am raising selfish, greedy, loners. But as I sit here on my couch with my laptop on my lap writing this, my children are lost in an imaginary world where they are parents saving some children from a train caught in an avalanche. They are taking turns holding open the “invisible” doors, shouting life-saving instructions for caring for these small charges, and getting the children and their luggage safely out of the train. I recognize that the inspiration for this game came from the stories we’ve read.

“Children who read have broader sympathies and a larger picture of life. They develop more powerful, healthy, and discerning imaginations. And imagination is one of the keys to virtue. It’s not enough to know what’s right. It’s also necessary to desire to do right. Desire, in turn, is directed to a large extent by imagination. In theory, reason should guide our moral choices, but in practice, it is imagination that calls the shots. Too often our reason obediently submits to what our imagination has already decided.”Kirkpatrik and Wolfe, p.23

I am inspired by many literary characters I’ve come across in my life.

• Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
• Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery
• Huckleberry Finn from Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
• Elizabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
• Rose o’ Sharon from The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
• Skeeter Phelan from The Help by Kathryn Stockett
• Scarlett O’Hara from Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell

As we read stories from different time periods and places, we are introduced to different ways of life, to flawed characters who also had admirable strength. We can be a lawyer in a courtroom, a starving woman in an empty field, a girl with quick-witted responses to narcisstic blow-hards at the dinner table. As we meet different characters and walk a mile in imaginary shoes, finding an acquaintance with all sorts of other characters along the way – we ourselves become better judges of the Big-C Character (“the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual”). We also develop an empathetic relationship with some characters – really feeling how they feel and seeing the world through their eyes. Empathy is critical to moral development. We remain self-absorbed if we cannot imagine that others might see things differently, if we cannot put ourselves into their shoes. Meeting fictional characters like Kreacher in the Harry Potter series, were formative in developing my sense of empathy as a child. I still feel my heart-strings tug when I think of him. Such a complicated character, as we all, in real-life are. 

So what does it mean?

So what does this mean for mass market books like Dogman or Minecraft? We have this idea that as long as kids are reading something it is better than nothing – which I guess, yes, it is better than literally *nothing*. But that’s also throwing up our hands and saying we give up – that we can’t control our own destinies and learning is futile so we might as well read a Pokedex.

Now, the Pokedex might be a gateway to reading proficiency and on to meatier stuff – but I still believe it is important that parents and teachers provide the options of the meatier reading instead of more fluff. And I say this as someone whose child has read the entire Dogman collection and the Calvin and Hobbes collection. I too am walking the fine balance of letting my kids choose what they want to read and then selecting some things that challenge them morally.

Kirkpatrick and Wolfe, authors of “Books that Build Character” do not mince words on this subject. They write,

“The danger facing children’s literature does not come from the ogres and villains that haunt the pages of fairy tales and adventure stories; the danger lies, rather, in the continued proliferation of normless books that cater to anxiety and self-absorption, and have nothing to teach about life except, perhaps, that whatever happens is okay. The danger is not that such books lead to a life of crime, but to a life of boredom, selfishness, and limited horizons. Fortunately, there is no shortage of stories of another sort: books that challenge, thrill, and excite, and awaken young readers to the potential drama of life, especially to the drama of a life lived in obedience to the highest ideals. Such books have something better to offer than therapeutic reassurance. Like true friends, they encourage us to be our best selves.” (p 44-45)Kirkpatrick and Wolfe, Books that Build Character, p. 44-45

They continue,

“You should be looking for books that reinforce courage, responsibility, and perseverance rather than books that offer prepackaged opinions on divorce, euthanasia, and the like. You want your child to acquire strengths of character before he acquires a lot of secondhand opinions. It’s one thing to have an opinion on an issue such as immigration, and quite another to develop a habit of helping those you have an opportunity to help.” (p. Kirkpatrick and Wolfe p. 55)

I do think they bring up a good point here – I don’t want to read a book about Assertiveness or Generosity that just top-down explains it to the child in a talk-down-to-you-this-is-what-is-virtuous kind of way. A pre-packaged opinion or explanation. Rather, I want to read great books with my children that have characters that exemplify a particular virtue (or many) or its opposite. I want to foster conversation with my children as we read – “do you see a character who is assertive in this story?” “Can you tell me of a time where you were assertive?”

Book Suggestions on Virtues

With that in mind, the books I suggest relating to each virtue are just that – suggestions. I am not any kind of expert on virtues. They are living books, they are rich stories with complex characters. They can’t really be distilled down into “this is a book about ____”, but rather these are virtues that I see in them and I’ve chosen as examples to read to my children

In the Family Virtues Guide by Linda Kavelin Popov, she looks at virtues common across all the world’s major religion and many of the world’s cultures. She distills them down to 52 virtues found around the globe, across many beliefs, languages and world views. I’ve decided to explore one virtue per week with my children through reading stories that I believe explore this virtue through the story in some way.

I really like Linda Kavelin Popov’s Family Virtues Guide and especially her definitions of each virtue. I do hope she won’t mind me including her definition of assertiveness in my blog post. In future blog posts in this virtues project I will paraphrase, but she explains things so simply, so I’d like to quote her at least once!

So now, after that lengthy introduction, Children’s Books About Assertiveness

“Being assertive means to be positive and confident. It is knowing that you deserve respect. Assertiveness begins by being aware that you are a worthy person…You have your own special gifts. Only you have your unique combination of abilities.

When you are assertive, you tell the truth about what is just. You don’t follow others. You think for yourself. If someone is trying to hurt you, lead you into trouble, or influence you to do something you feel is wrong, you protect yourself […] Assertiveness is expressing your own ideas, opinions, and talents. When you do this, you serve the world in your own special way.”Linda Kavelin Popov, the Family Virtues Guide

Alfie and the Big Boys by Shirley Hughes

I love Shirley Hughes books. I love how her books have a real conflict-resolution story arc that children can recognize as realistic to their lives. In this story, Alfie speaks up to help a little boy (who is bigger than him and a bit intimidating) find his mom.

My Name is Sangoel by Karen Williams

In this story, Sangoel creatively and confidently explains to his classmates how to pronounce his name.

The Snail and the Whale by Julia Donaldson

I love this story. I love that the snail knows what s/he wants and makes it happen. The snail travels the world and also saves his friend’s life by speaking up.

The Man with the Violin by Kathy Stinson

This is an excellent story about a boy who noticed beauty and tried to speak up to make sure others noticed. It is based on a true story of a famous violinist playing in the New York City subway.

Red is Best by Kathy Stinson

Red is Best is one of my favourites from my childhood. I love how the little girl explains her reasoning to her mother for why Red is Best.

I hope these stories inspire conversation with your kids for times when it’s right to speak up. How were the characters assertive? What is the difference between being assertive and being rude or invasive?

Happy reading!

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